Overheard at work

Guy A: What would you do for five million dollars?
Guy B: The list of things I wouldn't do is much shorter than the list of things I would do.
Guy A: What would you do for five hundred thousand dollars?
Guy C: My list is the same for both amounts.

I'm just sitting down watching this exchange take place and thinking there's a joke in there somewhere.

Babes

Slooty goth chicks

Made me laugh

disclaimer: not my story.

During freshmen year, one of the girls on my floor received a giant, 10-inch dildo with a suction cup attachment as a gag gift from her friends on her 19th birthday. The guys on my floor thought it would be great fun to periodically steal, then chase each other around with said dildo and beat the living hell out of each other with it.
I was in my neighbor's room one day when his dorm-mate busted open the door and threw this thing full force at him. Fortunately my friend was able to react quick enough to dodge out of the way... unfortunately for us though the dildo went careening full bore into the window behind him, smashed through it and proceeded to fall 9 stories.
We watched in horror and shock as this dildo fell and hit a freshmen girl on the head, who immediately collapsed and began convulsing. Cops and paramedics came and took me, my two neighbor's and the poor girl who owned the dildo down to the campus police station.
They put us all into an interrogation room where we waited until a detective came in... with the dildo in hand. He then proceeded to slam down the suction cup end of the dildo onto the middle of the interrogation table. We couldn't stop laughing due to the fact that this thing was slowly wobbling back and forth during the whole interrogation.
And don't worry, the girl who got conked in the head with this thing was fine in the end.

Babes

National concealed carry

Well that didn't take long. Let's see if the powers that be enact term limits.

Broke shit

I’m getting tired of fixing broke shit around the house. In the last week, I replaced the shocks on my wife’s car. They were overdue to be changed out. What should have been a simple operation turned into a four hour ordeal because the new ones wouldn’t fit just right. She has a Focus which is easy to work on because they are simple cars. However, like most aftermarket parts, the replacement shocks didn’t fit exactly right. I wrestled them in place and buttoned the car back together. Next it was time for an oil change and spark plug replacement. Easy peasey right? Wrong. Oil change, no issues. Pull the first spark plug. Whoever changed the plugs last didn’t use anti-seize. No big deal, I just have to be careful with the rest. Get ready to pull the next one and the channel is full of oil. Shit. Pull the rest of the power packs, they are full of oil too. It’s off to the parts store for a new valve cover gasket. Luckily, they had one in stock. So, I get the gasket changed out and the plugs replaced. Now guess what? The microwave decides to crap out. After researching the problem online and talking to a few people to confirm, the magnetron is bad. If the microwave was a Wally World special, I wouldn’t think twice about getting a new one. Alas, the microwave is an in-cabinet model that doubles as a range hood. Oh yeah, they don’t make this particular model anymore. So, $115 later and the part is ordered. Last one. This summer my phone got wet. The fancy case was supposed to be  waterproof to a certain depth. Didn’t work. I got it apart and got it all dried out but ever since the battery life has been shit. Last week I finally broke down and bought a new battery. The iphone 6 battery was $20. It went in pretty easy because I already had all the special tools.

Official member